DAILY WRITING (2)

 MONDAY 17TH OCTOBER, 2021

The time is 3:49pm. I am a little bit free so I might as well start writing now. For the record, I AM VEEEEEEERY HUNGRY. Have I eaten? Yes. But I am still hungry.

My church started a 7-day fast today and I was busy ‘shouting’ on one of our WhatsApp platforms that nobody should eat anything ooo. And I, by myself, started eating before 8am. My reason? God knowest because mere men may see it as an excuse. By God’s grace, tomorrow, I’ll start my own. But am I the only one who ordinarily does not feel hungry at home but anytime she is out of the house or a fast is declared, the hunger will come on so mightily? Am I? It is the flesh, abi? We will sort it out. 😂😂😂

Earlier today, I asked some friends to tell me three things they knew I could do so well. I know how important it is to do an evaluation of yourself from time to time but I just don’t do this at all. I may do it for a while and then, that’s it. What happens after the evaluation? Zero. Nothing. We’d lament or hype ourselves, and that’s it. Well, that’s what I do.

For the past one week, I have been trying to evaluate myself and staying consistent with it. Not just evaluating alone but actually doing something about it. I am also about to take some major steps in my life and I feel the evaluation would help me in this process.

And what I have gotten this far is amazing. I realized that I actually know more than I claim to. I realized that I have done more than I said I could. I saw that I have done so many things I have not given myself credit for. Why? Mostly because I have not paid attention to them or did not consider them to be ‘good enough’ to get a pat.

From my evaluation, I have also realized that I have messed up big time; I lost a lot of opportunities to reach out to get jobs simply because I was told ‘no’ a few times and my confidence level just dropped to the barest. I kept thinking that, “If the job will come, it will come. If it doesn’t, so be it.” I kept thinking, “What if I don’t speak well? What if I made a mistake? What if they don’t like me?” The fear of failing was greater than my push for success.

Those of you who know me well might find this hard to comprehend. “Tope, you, shy? Story for the gods!” you may say. But it’s the truth. I thrive well when the occasion is informal. I am at my purest and truest form there. But when it is formal, I don’t know what to do. It seems like I’m trying to fit in, I have to be over conscious of my words (I will over think before I speak so you may think I’m a slow speaker or a slow learner. I am just overworking my brain to see which word should come first, how my voice should sound etc), how I look (I’m always conscious of this but I become EXTRAAAAA CONSCIOUS) and so on. I would be praying to leave that place no matter how much you see me smiling. In other words, I just recoil to a shell you never know existed. 

So, when my friends came back writing some things about me when I asked them today, I was shocked about some things they wrote. Most of them were true about me. Others got me thinking, “Are they really talking about me or someone else? Am I really this person? Could it be that I am painting a particular picture for people to see that is different from who I am?” I think that’s what many people do on social media (not everybody does this ooo); put up a picture that’s different from reality. Could this be what I am doing?

I intended to use their replies as part of an evaluation process for myself but since it kinda realtes with what I’m writing today, I might as well put it now.

For example, one of my friends wrote and I quote,

 You write sooo brilliantly 

You are a very good orator 

You follow through with plans (like you are not a procrastinator).

I sat and looked at these words for a long time.

Do I write well? Yesssss. Brilliantly? Yes. (Flips my short hair😂😂😂.) Even Ope of Cowrywise told me so. (That’s story for another day).

An orator? Maybe. But you’d literally force me to talk unless I’m with people I know (like my friends) or when I don’t have a choice (like talking to clients at work face to face or no calls).

It’s the last line I couldn’t believe. I told my friend I procrastinate a lot. It’s not a good thing but I do. She insisted she doesn’t know me that way because I always follow through with my plans. 

On some occasions, this is true. I go through with all my plans. But in other places, my dear….on God ooo 😕

Another person wrote and I quote, 

–You write well,

-You good at talking and connecting with people,

-You’re a good friend… You feel what people around you feel.. This is a super power.

This last part makes me feel like a superwoman. 😀😀😀

It’s funny how everyone thinks I’m good at talking, yeah? No one will ever believe I struggle, will they ever?

Now, why am I sharing all these?

Until you do a sincere and thorough evaluation of yourself, you may not know ehere you need to tell yourself, “You’re doing well. Keep it up” or “You messed up with this. We’ll do better next time.” Also, have people who can laugh with you but would sincerely call you into the private chambers to tell you when you do something wrong. Whoever this person is, make sure it is a friend that knows you to a large extent, not the one that is on and off and does noting but criticize you day in, day out.

I have done some amazing things this year. But I can do more and I intend to push myself to do them.

Below is an image of what I look like today.

What have you achieved so far? Care to share? Tell me in the comments section.